Life update

Hey guys! It's been a little while since I did my review of the intensive training here, and even longer since I've done any intra-personal reflection. A lot of my posts lately have been an external view of what I feel is the landscape of the church here in Korea, and I would be remiss if I didn't discuss what was going on inside of me lately.

So I'm just gonna come out with it. I've been pretty depressed lately. To the point where I haven't been talking to anyone. This started two Saturday's ago, and was really for no reason. Nothing bad had happened, life was normal, I just felt very lonely and away from God. I'm sure everyone has felt this in the past, and I have as well, but it was the first time since being here that I had this sensation.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the problem was. I should for all intents and purposes be happy with my life, I just felt empty. It was the weirdest thing, because even the day before I was excited and loving life. Why then would things pull a 180, and more importantly how...so fast? I decided I definitely needed to pray about it and take a look deep inside to see what was really going on with me.

I've detailed many times on here how I came back to God, but it bears repeating - even if just a short review. I was invited by my buddy Matt Gates on a Christian hockey retreat in North Dakota with another Christian friend. I picked them both up in Milwaukee, and before we had even gotten out of the city we were in a full conversation about God. It was then that I truly felt Christ's love in my heart, and it was the most incredible joyous, warm, sensational feeling I've ever had in my life.

A year later, Gater and I went again, yet this time things were a bit different. I was a year into my walk with God, and a more mature Christian. There were also more mature topics on the horizon. I remember the pastor of the church that sponsors the event (Hi pastor Kurt!) was going to talk that weekend about a book called "Mansions of the Heart". From what I gathered while talking with Gater on the way was that the book talked about the stages of your relationship with God. Detailing things from how close you feel originally, to the times when you feel God has left you completely.

In my infantile faith, I was in a bit of denial about the latter. How could anyone actually feel that way? God is always with us right? That's what the Bible tells us. I was certain I'd never go through that. I don't have real problems. My life is great...right? If anything, things are too easy and I have to create problems for myself just to have a better testimony (see 10 year faith hiatus and destructive behavior post). That's truly neither here nor there, but even in faith we can have unrealistic expectations, and succumb to complacency.

So at least I wasn't completely unprepared when this hit me like a freight train. Was I relegated to not being able to get out of bed in the morning due to crippling depression? No, I'm not claiming that. However, I am stating that I felt completely empty. I didn't care about anything or anyone in my life. Not that there was any malicious intent in these thoughts, think more of a complete and utter carelessness in the true sense of the word (not it's current meaning of being reckless).

I had no purpose. I had no goals. I felt that I was just floating. I still went through my daily routine. I was able to converse with people, and I'm sure I otherwise appeared completely normal on the outside, but I have to admit that I kinda felt like I was watching a first person point-of-view movie. This was a pretty crazy sensation to say the least. Especially in comparison to all the spiritual growth I've had here, and everything God has so generously afforded me.

I had to look internally because I knew it wasn't God abandoning me, but had to be something that changed within myself. What could that have been though? I didn't feel any different, I didn't act any different, I didn't think any different...or did I? I had to go through and dig up what I had been thinking about lately. After a few days I started to uncover some truths that I maybe didn't want to initially admit. Possibly other things that Satan had been keeping hidden in order to prolong my sin.

I started thinking about some of the things we had talked about in our small group at the intensive training. The people there were EXTREMELY against things like meditation and yoga, claiming that when you clear yourself of everything, you become empty and that's when evil spirits are able to come inside of you. Initially I thought this was a pretty wild concept considering American culture has no problem with these things. I had never even really thought about them that way, but I can definitely see the logic behind it.

Had I unknowingly invited an evil spirit into me? Was it a subtle one that maybe I couldn't detect? I started thinking about these things, and came to the conclusion that wasn't the case. However, looking deeper into myself I had certainly let sinful thoughts creep in and manifest. This was obviously not deliberate, but over time if you're not diligent these things tend to happen. I had started losing focus of the goal here and having my relationship with God be number 1 in my life. I let pleasures of the flesh dominate my thinking more and more. Just a little bit here, just a little bit there and before I knew it my heart was changing.

I didn't even notice it. It was definitely there though. Thoughts of drinking, sex, money, etc. These aren't things I would ever act on, and I don't know if I would even call them full thoughts or fantasies either. Nevertheless, I subconsciously started to harbor more and more of these, and this separated me from God. Not the other way around.

I had started to let my 'young man' mentality slip in. I may be 31, but there's not much difference between the mind of a 16 year old boy versus a 31 year old man. Little dreams like being successful by the world's standards, having a lot of money so I can provide my family with a nice place to live and my wife with security. Obviously on the surface these thoughts don't seem harmful at all. What's wrong with wanting some security? It's selfless to want your family to feel safe and have enough to live on right?

While it may seem this way, this departs from the fact that God will provide you with what you need. Beyond that, it's up to His will to determine what you will have and not have. I hearken back to reading Job with my church and discussing with Gater about how foolish that book makes prosperity gospel look. I know I'm jumping around with thoughts a bit here, but I'm trying not to get too deep into this particular subject, since there's a ton I could say about it, and this post is meant for something different.

I'll just say this to clarify. Trust God to give you exactly what you NEED to strengthen your relationship with HIM. This is the thought path I was on when I got here, and for the past many months as well. This is why Job is such an important book, because it destroys the notion that if we believe in God we will have financial gain. (We can extend this to health, family, etc, but we will just stick to financial for now). God allowed an extremely wealthy man to lose all of his worldly possessions in order to strengthen his relationship with God. (There were definitely a lot of other factors involved as well, it's not that simple, but the point remains).

Anyways, moving on to the next point. Who you surround yourself with has an IMMENSE impact on your own morals and values. We are all creatures of opinion, and the thing about opinions is that they're always changing based on new information, and pretty fluid in most cases. I consider myself to be pretty stubborn, and yet I still have wavering opinions about a lot of personal moral issues. Obviously the money one is the easiest to talk about, but others include drinking, sex, relationships, and even simpler things like diet, and exercise.

I was letting worldly views infiltrate my heart, and it was wreaking havoc on my spiritual life. Simple thoughts like "I want to buy my fiance a really nice wedding ring to show my love" can really snowball into selfish and materialistic ideologies. These things are symbols of our love, and our way of showing others that we care. Yet, what does it really show? Is it for our significant others? Or is it for others? I tend to believe the latter, that it's important that others look at her hand and say "boy he must really love you". It feeds off of the competition and greed of our fleshly desires.

This is just one example, of course and there are many more. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy but it doesn't seem to me that God gave us all diamond rings to show us that he loved us. Or that he rained gold down from heaven on us. No, what did he do? He sent His son to die for our sins. The ultimate show of self-sacrifice and unconditional love. We are able to love because He first loved us, and in this way we are to show that love to others.

The world would be a much better place if there were less diamond rings, and more metaphorical crosses. I realize that's a pretty bold proclamation, but it needs to be said. It's also truly neither here nor there since the world is currently Satan's domain...but I digress. It's truly a difficult task to take your eyes off the things of the world, and focus completely on trusting God. Especially when you may be in a relationship (or friendship) that demands time/resources/money whatever it may be.

All I can say is don't put your trust in people. They will not only inevitably let you down, but likely they will lead you down the wrong path, away from your spiritual goals. MUCH easier said than done haha. I certainly don't have that figured out yet, that's obvious, but I'm trying. Instead put your trust in God, and He will lead you to Him.

Thanks for reading! I hope everyone is doing well. Reach out if you have any prayer requests, or need any help! I will post again soon!