I haven't posted on here in awhile...

There have been a lot of changes going on in my life during the past few weeks and even months. Most of which I can't even talk about because they're not fully finished yet. I have been caught up with these and haven't really had the time or motivation to keep up with blogging. There have certainly been blog worthy moments, but nothing that I absolutely HAD to post.

Today though was different. I just need an outlet to vent. I can't keep this inside. I'm crushed. I'm absolutely crushed. The worst part is that it's a private matter so I can't even really explain. I have been praying a lot and wondering how this happened. It's kind of difficult to even put into words honestly, which is rare for me, but one thing this has spawned is a lot of thought on how we are meant to act and live as Christians.

I'm going to use Korean culture as an example because right now I'm inundated with it, but truly the entire world acts the same. Here maybe it's a little more obvious, but man if it isn't prevalent the world over. Korea is like social media in real life. Appearance is EVERYTHING. I'm not just talking about physical (though that is EXTREMELY important and sought after). Being successful here with your job/degree and therefore money is so important that people are literally giving up relationships and any thoughts of getting married and having children. Friendships are dropped by the wayside. Your career is your life, and Korea makes this possible.

I never thought I'd actually see a culture that willingly gives themselves to slavery like this. Certainly there have been slaves in the past, and we're all spiritual slaves to sin, but here is another story. The drive to appear perfect is incredible, and almost scary. It's Pharisaic and in direct contradiction to the Bible. Yet Korea has many many large churches and people that would tell you they're "Christian". They just don't live it. The faith is completely cerebral and not emotional. It doesn't get past head knowledge.

The world's largest church is here in South Korea with almost 1 million members. They have over 200,000 people in attendance every weekend. I'm not gonna even begin to speak on the size of the church and what that tends to do to people, right now I'm more concerned with the observed state of faith here.

I've been studying the Gospel through book on tape on all of my bus rides (which are rather long) and doing my best to take in the worlds of Paul and of course Jesus and really live by them. I certainly am doing my best not to judge people and other Christians on their faith, because honestly everyone is at a different part of their walk with Christ...but I just can't help my heart from breaking when I witness the lack of forgiveness and love here. From professed Christians!

I realize that probably a majority of professed Christians truly aren't followers of Christ, but just people who think the Bible is a good set of rules to live by and therefore being a good person is enough. This breaks my heart even more, because it leads to self-righteousness. People who think they're good because they have "good intentions" and "don't treat anyone poorly". Oh what a heart rending sight! Why does the truth evade them! What were they taught?! Who wove this fabric of untruth?! Clearly the Devil is skilled at his craft.

I saw a quote on Facebook the other day (I know, I know) that I believe was from Timothy Keller, and it was something to the effect of "you cannot truly forgive if you think you are above someone else, only when you put yourself on the same level as them can you forgive them". Boy is that quote ever ringing true in my life right now. As with Paul I am daily doing my best to lower myself to the depths of humanity in order to understand, and not feel superior to anyone. I'm not talking about doing illegal things and being bad to people. I'm saying taking my mentality a peg down, realizing that I am absolutely nothing. I am a broken and sinful man. No better than anyone else, and that my heart should; and is starting to be filled with sheer thankfulness and forgiveness, and ultimately love.

But how agonizing it is when other Christians who claim to have the same beliefs don't engage in the very same acts of love that Christ commanded us to give to each other! Forgive! 70 times 7! Especially those who do wrong to you. It's so much easier for those that love you, and that you love. But if you can't forgive even those who love you and that you love, what does that say for you? What kind of exacting person believes that they are so good that they cannot forgive?! Ahhh it's so frustrating! "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:2) Live it!

In the same breath, who am I to judge? Am I not also a sinner who overlooks his actions and thoughts all the time? Have I truly forgiven those that have wronged me? Especially the ones that love me, and that I love? The honest answer is no...but I'm getting closer. Much closer. Everyday I close in on that heart that Christ preached, that Paul had. I will get there. Therefore I can't truly expect anything from anyone else. In fact, all I can truly rely upon is God and the power of Christ dying on the cross for my sins. The fact that everyday I disgrace and dishonor the cross, yet he gladly and graciously covers my sins again. That's true forgiveness. That's true love. I can only hope to emulate that.

Writing this out definitely helps. Speaking out and typing out your thoughts really gets them out there to see if they can stand the test of the weight you put on them. In your head they are always in a safe zone where it's easy to just see your way.

No. I can't expect these things even from Christians, because everyone is at a different point at their walk with God. At the end of the day we're all humans, and at the end of the day we are all sinners. I will continue to spread that message, and pray that God touches the hearts of all that I talk to. Meanwhile growing my own spirit in confidence and meekness. Praying all the while that love and forgiveness win. Thanks for reading.

I'm so broken.

Edit: As an aside I should add that the Korean people as a whole are wonderful people, with great family relationships, generosity, and hospitality built into their culture. I absolutely love living here, and the people here have been nothing but lovely to me. I wanted to make clear that my remarks are geared towards Christians and how we are not living our faith.