Conviction

Hey guys! I'm pretty excited to do this blog post. I've been thinking of a topic for awhile, and have kind of been at a loss. There's been a few things floating around my head, but nothing really stuck and they felt pretty hollow to be honest. However, I just finally got some conviction from God and I'm pretty excited about it.

12/4/17 - So I actually wrote that first paragraph nearly a month ago, and never finished the post. I left it to explain what I was feeling, and remind myself of my purpose here. Before I get into that though, I need to talk about some things.

First of all, it's become pretty clear to me that my ministry for God is two-fold. The first part being honesty. The second part being love. Of the two, love is by far the more important, but I think honesty is extremely useful, and imperative with our "religious" culture these days. Love obviously is what everything in the Bible hinges upon. The fact that God cared enough about us to send His son to die for us regardless of how sinful we are. That is mind blowing, and we can only hope and try to emulate the unconditional love that he continuously shows us.

So, honesty. I know I've talked about this in my blog before, but it bears repeating not only for newer readers, but also because it's so impossibly hard to do. Like, who wants to admit they messed up? Ever? Certainly there are times and situations where it's easier than others, but our flesh has the desire to always be right, and to always look good for others. I was this way for the longest time, but after my relationship with Christ began, I was transformed. Am I saying that things are easy and I don't even have to think about it now? Absolutely not, I just don't care anymore about what others think of my life and accomplishments because I know it doesn't matter. All that matters is my relationship with God.

I also know that being open and honest with others is the best way for them to realize that everyone is broken just like them. This is ESPECIALLY important for Christians. How many Christians do you know that have a "holier than thou" attitude? No matter how "good" we are, we still mess up all the time. Trying to hide that is only detrimental, not only to ourselves but to others too.

It's like a successful business. Everyone from the outside looks at the business and thinks "man how lucky that guy is, he did everything right and now he's a millionaire/billionaire" or whatever. But as you may see more now with the advent of the internet, those business owners are admitting and trying to make it known how difficult it was just to start that business. How many times they had to change, or adapt. How many hours they had to work, and most importantly how many times they failed.

Like I said, I'm not perfect. It would be silly for me to sit here and say that I'm honest about all my faults and then say that I'm better than everyone because I admit them. That's not what I'm saying at all, there has to be a certain humility and humbleness that comes along with the honesty. That part is DEFINITELY much harder for me than the honesty part, and that's why I'm not including humility in my ministry definition. I will likely struggle with that the rest of my life. I'm just being honest. (LOL) I know I should be a stand-up comedian.

Anyways. All that being said, I strive to be honest with people. About everything. My mentality has changed, and I believe it's necessary, not just a courtesy. As I said, this is still relatively new but I think it's already yielding some great results.

So, in the interest of honesty I'm posting here after quite a lengthy break. I didn't mean to take all this time off, I've just honestly been busy...but that's not an excuse. This blog is something that I believe God has given me to keep up while I'm here, and maybe even beyond that. If it helps even one person then it's more than worth it. Yet I've been neglecting it and that's actually a pretty good metaphor for how I've been treating God too.

Who could travel halfway across the world trusting in God, and having all his prayers answered by God, and then ignore God? Yeah...me. I'm owning up to this one. This past month or so I've been too "busy" for God. Hard to believe for someone who has been making all these lofty proclamations on his blog and commenting on the state of spirituality here in Korea. What have I been too busy with? It's really nothing special. There's nothing specific, I just subconsciously said I'm in control of my life now, and God can take a backseat.

I've been messing up pretty bad this past month. A lot of the old bad habits creeping back into my life. The worst part is now that I'm so aware of it after having bested a lot of these things for a long time since I've been here. That means that every time I lose the battle to my flesh, I'm completely aware of what I'm doing, yet I still do it. To me that's like even more of a slap in the face of Christ.

I've fallen back into habits such as drinking, eating too much, and lusting despite the changes Christ as made in me. Why? I mean the honest answer is basically because I wanted to. Now I didn't consciously go around grabbing beers out of other peoples hands and downing them like you would see in a movie haha, but I haven't cared to maintain my relationship with Him and it hurts.

As a result I feel distanced from Him. This doesn't just happen over night. You can't just flip a switch and say "hey I got God now". It happened over the course of a month, and it takes work to bring Him back into my life as well. You know, I used to think that when people said "I don't feel God in my life" or " I feel distanced from God", that they should just simply wait it out until He comes back. However, I'm starting to realize with my own life as reference, that it's MY fault that He's not in my life. That I left Him, He didn't leave me.

God is completely consistent, and has unconditional love. So every time I take the wheel of my proverbial car instead of Him, I'm driving right away from His will, and His sovereignty in my life. Man...it's such a brutal feeling too. I HATE being apart from Him. All I can do is repent, ask His forgiveness, and work my way back to being close with Him.

This is where love comes in. Observing His love for me, as I continually disrespect and desecrate His incredible sacrifice is such an amazing example, and it really goes against all of human's conventional wisdom. If someone wrongs you, what do we do? Immediately turn into revenge mode and do something back, because they deserve the same or more back right? I'm learning more and more that isn't right.

True love for others calls for us to deny our flesh and the gratification that things like revenge and neglect give us. Those things that give an immediate gratification, but long term end up corrupting us more and more. Love. This is what EVERYTHING hinges on. As Paul says "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." (1 Corinthians 13:1)

To me this means we can talk about the "good" things that people can do, and the attributes of a "good" Christian, or person all day, but without love these things are nothing. It's a fine line, and a lot of times blurry. You may think "why can't I just be a good person and enjoy God". I've had a few people ask me that. They seem to think that God is too good. Maybe that they should just be thankful for what they have.

That sounds amazing! "I'm so grateful just to be here that I just thank God. I don't ask for anything, because He's given me all that I need." etc etc etc. That doesn't reflect a real relationship with God though. One that is intimate. As a father to their child. This type of sentiment reflects more of an employer to an employee relationship. "I'm just going to shut up and accept what I'm given". LOL I know I know, so am I saying that we should just be asking God for things all the time and not be grateful? Of course not, but think about how a child is with their father? We CANNOT provide for ourselves spiritually. We are not able without God. Therefore not asking for more is a representation of a dead faith.

I like to look at David as a great example of how to have a relationship with God. As God is even quoted as saying a few times that David is a "man after His own heart". So does that mean David was always content and perfect? NO! He was probably the most whiny person in the entire Bible! Complaining about this and that all the time, asking God to smite his enemies and what have you. I truly love this though, because David is such a great character, and His life is filled with many things that we can relate to today.

Therefore God shows His love to us, mercifully, and unconditionally. We need to show that to others. I can finally get to my original paragraph now. Two words: House Churches. Seeing all the incredibly large and beautiful churches here in Korea is really convicting me that a grass roots movement back to the way Christ set things up is necessary.

In fact I just went to a giant church in Seoul this past weekend and man was it astonishing. Just a wonderful experience. If you're looking for a show. If you want intimacy with God, then this isn't the place for you. I have nothing but accolades for the building, and the praise band. The 50+ person choir section complete with tenor soloist, and 15+ person symphonic group were truly professional in appearance and sound. I mean these people can make you emotional just listening to them. It was an incredible experience.

The pastor came out and sat down in a chair (which is pretty unusual, especially here) and preached relatively quietly. I certainly didn't mind (even though I couldn't truly understand his message) his approach, or delivery. However, the whole thing just felt at an arms length. I know there are small groups after the sermon, and a lot of Koreans tend to spend all day at church on Sunday, but I just can't help feeling that this isn't how it was meant to be. 

Are there places for large churches and congregations? I don't see why not. Israel had giant festivals implemented by God in the Old Testament. Gatherings of this magnitude aren't wrong I don't think, but as a weekly thing, it starts to lack authenticity. God doesn't want or need our gold, or silver, or giant buildings. He wants us. He wants our hearts. 

House churches are a place where you can get intimate with others. Truly become friends, as Jesus did with His disciples. Where you get together and talk about your lives, and apply your learning from the Bible to each other. Where the message can be directly prepared for what people need. Where money and offerings aren't necessary. Where if your fellow brother or sister in Christ is struggling with money you can give to them, or if they're struggling with family problems you can give emotional support. The most important thing about all of this is that you're INVOLVED in their lives, and that not only keeps you, but THEM accountable too. 

None of this happens in our modern day church. Maybe to a small degree, but certainly not as often as it needs to happen. Home churches can encourage this to happen, and maybe...just maybe it can transform us to what God desires. Instead of "Christians" that go to church mindlessly, and throw money at other people's issues.

Anyways, that was a super long post, but I felt it needed to be said. I'm on my way back to God now, praying everyday and trusting in Him, though it's not an easy road. I knew even the first day that I started anew my relationship with Christ that it would be a roller coaster at times. I was ready, and willing, but you're never really prepared when it comes. I ask that you all please pray for me. I need guidance, clarity, forgiveness, and above all else love. 

Thank you for reading! I hope to post again soon! Let me know in the comments if you have any comments or questions, or even any prayer requests. Take care guys!