Last Day of Break

So if you think Saturday was boring, today I literally didn't leave the dorm. I'm honestly ok with this. Sometimes you just need to hang out in and around your bed. Heavy G and I skipped church today as it was a long busy week and we were tired. He had a family party to go to, and I just didn't feel like the 1.5 hour one way bus ride.

However, this gave me a good chance for some reflection. Kinda funny how it seems that Sundays are bringing about most of my reflections recently, but I guess not all that surprising seeing as how most of my Sundays are spent thinking about God. Not to say that I don't think about him pretty much all day every day, but Sundays are usually spent in His house and you might say it becomes sort of habitual.

As most of you probably know since you read my blog, I have been very fortunate as of late. Good things are happening to me at an alarming rate, and I can't thank God enough for all the goodness He has bestowed upon me lately. My message today is about the weekly, and even daily struggle that we all have with our faith.

I wasn't always this honest. In fact for most of my life I was mysterious. Partly because I believed that made me more interesting, and partly because I'm somewhat of a private person. Along about a year or so ago that completely changed. During the time I spent at ODM (my Korean church back home in Elmhurst) I just started to let things explode out of me.

I mostly blame my buddy Matt Tolbert for this. We started getting into deep conversations about everything. Work, faith, and most importantly girls. Lol, this helped me see that most of us go through the same things, and if I was able to be transparent with my life, that could help and encourage others in their faith. My new personality was born.

I am not ashamed of who I am. Not anymore. This is because of God. If I still lived my life by the world's standards, and worried about what others thought of me, well of course I would be failing by letting everyone else see my embarrassments and failures. God has turned this on its head because none of it matters. Christ died for our sins knowing that we are all broken human beings, and I am proud to say that He is my Savior and I no longer have to try and hide anything.

So on to my message. Here's a quick recap. I came here to Korea with nothing. I had a big bag of clothes and my laptop so not exactly nothing. However, I had just given my last savings to the government in taxes. (I hadn't been the smartest with my salary from coaching. Not that I had frittered it away, but more spent on things I had wanted over the years but had never bought. I knew I was most likely coming to Korea and should have been saving everything I could, but can't go back now.)

I had a promise from the university here that they would pay my room/board, and tuition for my Korean classes in exchange for me living as an RA intern with the K-PACE program here. (Originally I was supposed to be given a monthly stipend, but once that didn't work out due to visa issues I had a hard decision. I ended up trusting God and coming here anyway).

Since then I have had multiple guardian angels watching over me. Everyone has been so incredibly nice and helpful I would feel wrong trying to list names to thank people. However Dr. Rhee has definitely gone above and beyond to help me find work. If I get the chance to work with the Christian high school I should be set as far as a start here with working. Then when next March rolls around God can show me which path He wants me to take from there.

Beyond this I have had multiple interviews on the work that I'm doing here. (I honestly am so humbled every time this happens, I really don't deserve these). I'm just following God's will, he deserves all the glory. I've done my best to make that as apparent as possible in all my interviews but that message doesn't always get through. It's really up to the writers at that point.

I am set to be on the TV show "Love Family" with filming to be done sometime next week. This is a KBS show and a very big deal here. Like I said, I don't deserve this, it's crazy...but it will be a chance for me to give more praise to God, and for that I am happy to be a part of it. I was also gifted with a wonderful female companion named Joanne as an answer to prayers. I am seriously in awe of this woman. I admire her greatly and feel very blessed to have a relationship with her.

God is doing so many great things in my life, AND YET STILL I STRUGGLE. I know there are differing opinions on whether it's easier to grow your relationship with God when you're going through the ups in your life, or the downs. My personal opinion is during the down times. I think this stems from the fact that I was always very capable, and it was easy to attribute any good fortune to my own hard work, when in fact it was God's will and God's timing that was right.

So let's get down to the nitty gritty. Let's get specific. On any given day I still have the tendency to kind of just float away from God. To somehow just forget about Him. How is that even possible? Especially when He's been so instrumental in all I have here, forming and shaping my life. Truly saving me from what I might have done to myself had he not intervened.

I knew that my faith was always going to be a battle. Even that first night in the car on the way to North Dakota after I had felt Christ's love for the very first time, I knew it would be a struggle. I felt myself floating away from Him and I didn't want that. I wanted that feeling forever, but this experienced helped me realize that I was always going to have an up and down relationship with God. There would be times where I would feel that He was absent in my life, along with times where I would feel that He was right next to me without me even having to try.

I certainly feel that He is here with me now, yet my flesh still wants to pull away and forget. To return to the way I used to live. This is literally a daily struggle. I still catch myself thinking about how I can circumvent some of His teachings for a short time. Whether it's the desire to have sex, or drink, or overeat. Maybe it's something as simple as not going to church on a certain Sunday because I'm lazy, or not mentioning God in an interview, or even desiring and asking him for fame and fortune in prayer.

Whatever it may be, I'm still struggling everyday. I am broken. So unbelievably broken that the only way I am even together at all is all due to Christ's love. I owe everything to Him, and I am in complete submission to Him with my entire life and being.

What a funny thing to say. Only 3 years ago I would have said I have it all together, that I'm living a great life. I would have been scared to open up about anything. I would have thought it was weak to be so open and honest, and that I would never be that way. I just pray that this can encourage those of you who are struggling in your faith. Those of you who have it together today, but tomorrow it all falls apart. Those of you who don't have faith, but may be wondering. And those of you who have rejected God altogether, I can only pray that God opens your heart to Him. I will be praying for all of you. If any of you ever need to talk, I am right here.

Have a good day, and I will post again tomorrow!

Korean Word/Phrase of the Day: 어쩌면 (Eo Jjeo Myeon) "Maybe"! In case you ever need to be non-definitive with your answers.

TL:DR I am Broken.